When Holly met Gregg
by princess-katie
Summary: Follow-up to Sunshine Kids in a Pod. Howard is perfectly happy with new girlfriend Holly Noir - Vince's sister. That is, until a certain admirer of Howard's turns up, hell bent on having Howard all for himself.
1. Mirrorball suits ARE dark

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**A/N: This is a sequel to Sunshine Kids in a Pod, but all you need to know is Vince's younger sister moved into the flat and got together with Howard.**

**This is just an opening little thing.**

The Mighty Boosh

' Howard? Howard? Howard ... Howard ... Howard ... Howard ... '

Howard tore his eyes away from the latest copy of The Global Explorer and looked across the room at his girlfriend of 4 months, Holly Noir.

Holly was standing at the other end of the shop, earranging the long rail of 2nd hand clothes - most of which seemed to be things she and Vince had discarded.

Holly tilted her head to one side,' D'you think my hair would look good with a bit of green in it? '

Vince, who was sitting by the window with the latest copy of Cheekbone, snorted.

' Green? ' echoed Howard,' you tore me away from the magazine, to ask me if I think you should dye your hair _green? _You're not expecting a serious answer, are you? '

Holly pouted,' Alright, alright. I was just asking. '

Howard sighed when she pulled that face - she had him under some sort of spell, how could he snap at her without feeling bad,' I'm sorry, sunshine,' he smiled,' I just don't think _green _is going to be a good look. '

He didn't mention that green hair reminded him vividley of Old Gregg. Ugh. He didn't need to be reminded of the transsexual merman who had been obsessed with him, and who had tried to keep him in his underwater cave.

' Blue? '

Howard shrugged.

Holly rolled her eyes at his lack of response,' Blonde? '

No reply.

' Red? '

No answer.

Holly moaned,' C'mon Howard. I'm having a crisis about my hair - I can't function if my barnett's not right! '

' Then ask Vince,' Howard told him,' I'm no good with this stuff. What do you want me to tell you? '

' Forget it,' Holly said,' I'm gonna have some red highlights or something. Thanks for your help, Howard. '

Howard grinned and crossed the room, wrapping his arms around her from behind, her back pressed against his chest. He kissed her neck - since getting together with Holly, he'd gotten more conversation and dropped his no-touching rule.

Vince groaned as he looked over at them,' Will you two pack it in? ' he demanded, pulling a face.

Holly stuck her tounge out at him,' Just 'cos you've got no-one. '

Vince stuck his tounge out too, and Howard smirked at them,' Oh, it's just full of grown-ups around here, isn't it? '

' You're wrong, anyway,' Vince said,' I'm going out with Anthrax tomorrow night. '

' Anthrax? ' echoed Holly, as Howard let go of her and went to read his magazine again,' what kinda name is that? '

' Hey,' Vince said,' don't knock it. She's this amazing goth girl I met when me and Howard went on a double date with her and a mate a while back. 'Cept we messed up and started Nanageddon when we borrowed Naboo's black magic book. But anyway, we'll see what happens. '

' A goth? ' laughed Holly,' how could you be with a goth? There's nothing gothic about you in the slightest. '

Vince frowned,' I could be all gothic and dark if I wanted to. '

' Yeah,' Howard muttered,' because mirrorball suits are _very _dark. '

Vince aimed a pen at his friend like a dart, and thought _what the hell _before throwing it.


	2. He's Gonna Kill You and Your Son!

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

The Mighty Boosh

That evening, the flatmates were all gathered in front of the television in the living room.

Vince was laying on the floor, head resting in his hands, whilst Naboo curled up in an armchair, Bollo sat on the footstool in the corner, and Howard and Holly were on the sofa.

Howard rolled his eyes,' Holly, do we have to watch this _again? _We watched Desperate Housewives _last _week. '

Holly smirked from where she was nestled in his arms,' It's a t.v series, Howard. That means it's on at the same time every week for a few weeks. Besides, it's the series finale anyway. '

' It's rubbish though! It's so dramatic and over the top,' Howard sighed.

' Well if you don't like it, don't watch it,' Holly told him.

' Yeah and don't ruin it for the rest of us,' Vince said.

Holly smirked at her boyfriend,' See? Vince likes it too! '

Howard was about to tell her that what Vince liked was hardly a good measuring stick for what the rest of the male population liked, but decided against it, instead burying his lips in her hair.

Howard's hands were around her waist, and Holly laid a pale slender hand ontop of his larger ones. She squeezed slightly and said,' Don't mess up by hair, will you? '

' Shhhh,' Vince said,' it's starting! '

They were watching it in relative silence, a Holly and Vince were threatening to kill anyone who spoke over it.

Halfway through, Howard had lost all interest and was close to losing the will to live too. His only comfort was the fact that Holly was in his arms and he could hold her close, play with her hair, kiss her cheek (he tried kissing her properly, but she was glued to the t.v) and stroke her skin.

He was roused from his Holly-trance, which were quickly overtaking his jazz-trances, by Naboo shouting at the t.v.

' Susan! Don't get into the car with Dave! He's gonna kill you and your son! '

All heads turned to look at Naboo in suprise.

The shaman shrugged,' What? He _is _gonna kill them! '

When the show ended, Howard was grateful, but the others were furious about how the show had ended.

' Who did he marry? ' Vince cried.

' It better have been Susan,' Holly said seriously, ' they're _made _for each other! '

Howard kissed her cheek,' Sunshine, you _do _know it's only a show ... that it's only fiction? '

Holly gave him a cold look, as did Vince, and even Naboo, and for the first time, Howard began to realise that maybe they _didn't _realise it was fiction.

' Bollo tired. Going to bed,' Bollo announced, leaving the room,' night Naboo, precious Vince, precious Holly, Harold. '

Howard stopped himself shouting at the ape before saying,' I'm gonna turn in too. ' Holly stood up and allowed him to stand up too. She laid her hands on his face and she kissed him - a slow, lingering kiss, savouring every inch of him. He kissed back with equal enthusiasm and when they broke apart, she smiled.

' I'll see you tomorrow, then. '

' Night, sunshine,' he replied, before leaving the room.

When he was out of earshot, Naboo frowned at her,' Aren't you sleeping in his room? '

Holly glanced at Vince before telling Naboo,' I'm - I'm still sharing Vince's room - that camp bed is suprisingly comfy, to be honest. '

Naboo raised his eyebrows,' But haven't you and Howard ... you know ...? '

Holly blushed and Vince tried to pretend he wasn't listening, whilst flicking through the channels.

Holly lowered her voice as she told the shaman, ' I've slept in Howard's room a few times - mostly when Vince was staying out all night with some girl - but no, we've never ... well, slept together. '

' I'm gonna in the kitchen,' Vince muttered,' I want a drink or something. ' He strode into the kitchen wincing - god, he didn't need to hear about _this. _Sure, he was happy for his sister and his best friend. In fact, if his friend was sleeping with any old girl, he'd be the first one to rush in with the advice and the comments, but not when that girl was his sister. Ew.

When Vince had gone, Naboo continued to look at Holly with interest,' You've haven't? But why not? '

Holly blushed,' What's that got to do with you? ' she asked.

' Just trying to help you,' shrugged Naboo.

Holly blushed even harder, if possible. If she'd been told, a few months ago, that she'd be discussing her sex life with a 5 foot shaman, she'd have been very suprised.

' I dunno,' Holly sighed,' Just never got there, I guess. Maybe we're taking it slow ... and also I don't want Vince to feel weird about it. If I wasn't sharing with Vince, then he wouldn't really know, but since I _am, _he's gonna know that I'm not in my bed 'cos I'm sleeping with his mate. '

' He's a big boy, he'll manage,' Naboo told her,' he knows you're seeing Howard, anyway, after all. '

At this point, Vince walked back into the room. He cleared his throat and said in discomfort,' Hol, sleep where you want, but just don't ... don't ever talk about it to me. '

Holly smiled - the grin that was so identical to her brothers - and said,' Right, I'm off to bed. '

She gathered a nightgown from her bedroom and then opened the door to Howard's room. He was standing in his underwear, getting ready for bed, and she took him by suprise. He jumped, startled and turned around.

Holly smiled mischeviously,' Hey gorgeous. '

Howard grinned,' What're you doing? '

She shrugged, unbuttoning the first few buttons on her blouse,' What's it look like? I'm going to bed. '

Howard's eyes were glued to her as she slipped her blouse off. He averted his eyes when she pulled off her jeans, although he found himself wanting to fix his eyes on her and never take them away. When he looked back at her, she was wearing a knee length purple silky nightgown.

She approached him and laid her hands on his bare chest. His eyes filled with lust as he grabbed her waist and spun her around, backing her against the wall, against the window. His hands were on her body, his lips covering hers, tounge probing her mouth and moaning into her. His lips left hers as he kissed her neck, her collarbone.

She moaned, breathing heavily,' Oh God, Howard. '

For their first time, this wasn't going too bad, Howard thought between kisses. Or for his first time, fullstop.

Holly silently decided that if this was Howard's time, he was very naturally skilled. Holly ran a hand greedily through his hair as her other hand ran across his bare chest, feeling every little bit of his warm, inviting skin.

As he impatiently tried to shrug the straps off her shoulders, and she breathed,' Howard,' his name came out as a jagged whisper, ' Howard ... Howard, I need you. '

' And I'm right here,' he whispered before he pulled her nightdress over her head.

Neither of them were aware of their actions been watched by a strange figure across the street. It probably would have been a good idea to close the bedroom curtains first.


	3. I Know Fake Fur Is In Now!

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

The Mighty Boosh

When Holly woke up the next morning, Howard was already awake. His arms were around her and she was curled into him, her bare skin against his and her head resting on his chest.

' Hey,' Howard smiled, looking quite dazed.

Holly propped herself up on one elbow, and leaned over him, trailing kisses along his jawline - from below his ear in a soft lingering line right across his face. Whilst she was in the midst of this, he laid a hand on her cheek and caressed her cheek softly.

When she pulled away from him, she laid on her side so she could face him. One of his large, strong hands was on her waist, his thumb rubbing her skin gently.

' Last night,' she grinned,' was amazing. '

' It certainly was,' he agreed,' you're the most .... fantastic woman I've ever .... ever even _seen_. Even _thought _about. '

She smiled,' I should hope so. ' After a pause she asked,' Are you sure that was your first time? '

Howard looked at her in amusement,' Yes, I think I'd remember if I'd done that before. '

Her smile widened, wide enough to split her face, Howard thought. She raised one eyebrow,' Then I've gotta tell you, _you _are very naturally skilled. God was in a good mood on the day you were born, gorgeous. '

Howard blushed at her praise of his "skills," and told her to be quiet, though secretly thrilled that she thought so highly of him.

' Do we have to get up today? ' Holly asked him with a pout,' I could stay here with you all day. '

Howard sighed, wishing she wouldn't pull that face. He was almost certain that by now, she did it on purpose, knowing full well that he couldn't resist. With a great deal of will power, he sat up.

' Sorry, sunshine, but we've got a shop to open up in about half an hour,' he reminded her.

Holly rolled her eyes,' Vince could always do it. '

Howard's answer was a sarcastic,' Yes, because it's really likely that Vince will be up, have done his hair and chosen an outfit within half an hour. '

Holly sighed, leaning back against the pillows,' Suppose so. '

*****

Howard opened up the shop at bang on 9am, as usual, before sitting behind the counter and pulling out a notebook. He sighed, trying to write his next breakthrough poem.

Holly was downstairs 5 minutes later. Howard looked up at her with a smile when she entered the room.

' Isn't that Vince's jacket? ' he asked, frowning at the long green coat with fake fur around the edges.

Holly did a twirl and grinned,' Sure is. I think it suits me, don't you? '

Howard decided to just nod - he thought most of the things that Vince and Holly wore were just strange, but knew to tell them that was to open a whole can of worms.

Holly hesitated, looking around the shop, before sitting on the edge of the counter, facing Howard. The shop was hardly busy at the best of times, and certainly wasn't particularly busy first thing in the morning.

She picked up Vince's copy of yesterday's Cheekbone. After a few pages, she sighed,' This is so out of date! Hasn't the ninja been round with a more recent one yet? This says fake fur is out, when I _know _it came back in this morning. '

Howard shrugged,' Maybe the ninja gave it to Vince - it's Vince's subscription, after all. '

Holly merely shrugged,' Yeah, well. He's my brother, what's mine is his and all that. '

Howard went back to thinking about what to write, and it took him a moment to think about what she'd said. Then he looked up with a smie,' You _do _know that "what's mine is yours" applies to marriage, not your brother. '

' Does it? ' she asked, looking up from the magazine,' oh then, that too. '

Vince made an appearance at 10am, Holly just looked up at him and grinned,' Alright? '

Howard rolled his eyes at Vince,' C'mon then,' he said,' what's the latest excuse? '

Vince sighed, hands on hips,' Right, I'm sorry Howard. What happened was, a squirrel jumped through my bedroom window and hurt its leg, so I had to help it, didn't I? I sang to it until it was better and then it flew off out of the window. '

Howard nodded, writing down the excuse,' You know, if you got up a bit earlier, you wouldn't have to invent stupid excuses. '

' Who's inventing anything? ' Vince scoffed, sitting down in his favourite chair by the window, tossing his feather boa over his shoulder.

It was almost 12 o' clock when Howard went to check that the rubbish had been taken away by the bin men. There was no rubbish there, yet the buildings down the street all had rubish left outside.

' Vince,' he said, coming back into the shop,' you haven't been chucking the rubbish in the alley again, have you? You know what a mess that caused last time. '

Vince bit his lip,' Um ... no. '

' Great,' Howard muttered, glaring at his best friend. Now I've got to go sort it all out. There better not be loads, or I'm going to kill you. '

Holly stood up,' I'll go do it. There can't be _that _much ... '

Holly left the shop through the back door and was pleased to see that the little alleyway only had about 5 binbags in - knowing Vince, there could have been a lot more.

She'd picked up one in each hand and was planning on carrying them through to the front of the shop, to the designated areas. When she turned back at the door, Howard was standing there leaning against it.

She smiled,' What're you doing? '

He shrugged,' Told Vince I was coming to give you a hand. ' He didn't appear to be helping out with the rubbish however, when a moment later, he moved towards her. She dropped the bin bags as Howard grabbed her at her hips and backed her against the brick wall.

He kissed her lips and hard and long, leaving her slightly breathless when he pulled away She closed her eyes. As he went on to kiss her neck, which he knew sent shivers up her spine, she smirked.

' Y-you know,' she told him,' this whole dominating thing you've started really works. '

Howard supressed a smile as he pressed his lips to her collarbone.

Holly heard a noise and her eyes snapped open. She laid a hand on his cheek and gently lifted his face so he was looking at her.

' What's wrong? ' he asked.

She looked around,' Did you hear something? ' she asked him, looking down the alley.

' No,' he told her shaking his head.

Holly could have sworn she heard something - rustling in the trees that were at one end of alley. Her wide blue eyes were locked on the trees, but there was nothing there.

' Never mind,' she smiled apologetically, kissing him softly, before grabbing a full bin bag. She leant over to grab a second one, and heard the trees rustling again. She looked at them suspiciously and shook her head, grabbing another bin bag.

Once she and Howard had dumped then in the designated pick up points for the bin men, Vince asked,' Can we have some lunch now Howard? '

Howard told his friend,' I'm not your dad, Vince. I'm not going to tell you when you can and can't have food. '

' So can I go get some lunch? '

' No. You always take too long. '

' Aw,' moaned Vince,' but I _like _the deli! '

' _I_ want to go anyway,' Holly said, buttoning up her coat,' when I went in the other day, the girl who works behind the counter had a genius hat! I'm thinking if I go in there and be all nice, she'll lend me the hat. '

As Holly grabbed a handbag and left the shop, skipping across to the deli, Howard smiled in amusement, before he realised,' She didn't even ask what we wanted! '

Vince scoffed,' You're so predictable, Howard. We _always _know what to get you. You're so ... same ... y. '

' Same ... y? ' Howard echoed.

' Yeah,' Vince said,' you're samey. '

Howard frowned,' Howard Moon is a spontaneous being. Howard Moon is not samey, Sir! ' He paused,' Is that even a word? '


	4. Let Old Gregg Help You Out

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

The Mighty Boosh

Holly walked down the high street, heading towards the sandwich deli which she, Howard and Vince were so fond of.

As she walked, she had an odd feeling that she was being followed; it sounded cliched, she knew, and she decided she was just being paranoid. Besides, she couldn't walk down the street turning round every 20 seconds - people would think she was a freak.

She sighed - she should have just taken her car. Her little red car - from the days before she came to Dalston and had been off travelling and staying with various old college friends - had been sitting in the street barely used since she moved into the flat.

And there was that ugly green little camper van, which Holly had been told (by Vince) had taken them to all manner of unpleasant and adventerous places. Namely the wilderness, where they were almost taken over by yetis.

But no, she'd decided to walk, as it was only a ten minute walk.

She'd shaken off the paranoid thoughts when a teenager on a bike went past and just skimmed her. Mentally cursing the kid, she stumbled and went over on her ankle, in her silver platforms.

She winced at the pain in her ankle and walked on, trying to ignore the pain. She stumbled again and sighed, knowing she wasn't going to be able to walk to the deli like a normal person. And knowing she was going to get a lecture from Howard about wearing those stupidly high shoes, leading to her possibly sprained - and definitley twisted - ankle.

She hobbled on down the street, trying with difficultly, not to put much weight on her foot. But she might as well go to the deli since she was almost there, she thought, regardless of how much her ankle hurt.

Meanwhile, a creature who'd been following the unfortunate Holly had seen her accident and decided that this could be the way to get in there and get exactly what he wanted - to seperate her from the one man he (the creature) wanted.

Holly was still hobbling down the street when she heard a voice behind her,' You need a hand here, missy? '

Holly heard the strange voice and turned around. She was faced with what had to be the strangest person she'd ever seen. It was a man with thick make up, what looked like sea weed for hair, wearing a pink tutu and a silver jacket.

' I'm - I'm alright,' she stammered, not wanting to talk to this strange looking figure.

' You hurt your leg? ' the person asked,' let Old Gregg help you out. '

' Who's .. Old Gregg? ' she asked hesitantly.

' I'm Old Gregg,' the person told her with an eerie grin.

' Oh, ok,' she nodded.

' You need a hand? ' he asked,' I can help you to where you're going if you like. Or I could get you a drink - I find a Baileys often helps when I don't feel too good. Mmmm, creamy beige. Shall we go get a Baileys? '

Holly looked at Old Gregg with worry, wondering what his motives were, but deciding she might as well accept his help. Maybe he was just a harmless madman? She'd met plenty of mad people anyway ... she'd grown up in a jungle after all.

' No thanks,' she smiled,' I just wanna go get some food for me and these guys I work with. '

' Then I'll help you,' Old Gregg said, offering out an arm as he got to her side,' maybe then we can get to know each other a bit. You tell me about your life and I'll listen. Greggory's a good listener. '

' Let's just get to the shop,' she said, noticing that he had webbed hands.

Gregg helped Holly as far as the shop, where she bought what she wanted and then the green man offered to help her to her home. She didn't even stop to think about what kind of man he was anymore - he had to be alright, didn't he? After all, he was helping a stranger in need.

Little did she know that as soon as Gregg had found Howard and realised he was seeing someone, he'd been watching Holly's every movement and waiting for a chance to get to her, so he could lure her back to his cave.

As they were walking back to the shop, Holly holding Gregg's arm slightly as she leant on him, Gregg asked her,' So, you said you were getting food for guys you work with? '

She nodded.

' One of these be Howard Moon, by any chance? ' Gregg asked, trying to keep his tone neutral.

Holly looked at him in suprise,' You know Howard? '

Gregg grinned,' Oh, Howard and Old Gregg go way back. The question is, how do you know my Howard? '

Holly didn't notice that he'd called Howard "my Howard" and smiled,' He was just my brother's friend and then I came to see my brother, and got to know Howard a bit more. '

' I done watercolours of Howard. You got watercolours of Howard? ' he asked.

Holly smiled,' Nah, I can't paint to save my life. '

' I learned to do watercolours when I was jus' a teenage Gregg. '

' Oh. '

' I did Home Economics when I was a teenage Gregg too. '

' Oh. '

' And Geography, but I was never any good at that. I didn't like the physical education either, except the dancing bit. Old Gregg's a good dancer. '

Holly smiled politely.

Gregg changed the conversation as suddenly as he'd started it,' You're seeing Howard? You and Howard are a couple? ' he asked.

Holly smiled,' Might as well tell you, if you're a friend of Howard's. We've been together a few months. He's amazing. '

Old Gregg stopped walking suddenly and therefore Holly stopped too. She dropped her hand from his arm and began to feel quite nervous when he stared at her with eyes that suddenly seemed colder and harder.

' I think Howard's amazing,' he told her, his tone serious,' but Howard will always belong to me. '

' What? ' Holly asked, shaking her head - what was going on? Surely she wasn't hearing this right? How could Howard _possibly _belong - or have ever belonged - to this ugly green man?

' I'm sorry,' Old Gregg said,' but Old Gregg's gotta get rid of the competition, missy. '

And with that, he snatched the carrier bag from her, which had three large baguettes, but more importantly, three large, heavy bottles of coke. He swung the bag around, aiming the heavy object at her head.

It collided just as he'd intended it to, and Holly fell to the floor, out cold.

*****

Holly had been gone an hour when Howard chewed on his bottom lip,' I wonder what's taking her so long ... '

Vince shrugged,' Maybe she saw some shoes she liked, or something. '

Howard nodded,' Yeah. '

*****

Holly had now been gone two hours.

' I don't like this,' Howard said, checking his watch,' there's no way she could have be this long. '

'

' Maybe something caught her eye in the shops,' sighed Vicne,' Although, it's not likely at lunch time, I'll admit. She loves those sanwiches even more than I do. '

Howard frowned,' She usually always says if she's going shopping. I'm sure she'd have asked me if she could have the time off.'

Vince scoffed,' I'm sorry,' he said at Howard's glare,' I just find the idea of your girlfriend having to ask you for time off working quite funny. '

Howard glared harder,' That's not really the issue here, is it? The point is, she shouldn't have been gone this long. ' His face softened,' What if something's happened to her, Vince? I shouldn't have let her be gone this long before wondering where she was. Hell, I shouldn't have let her go in the first place. '

' Howard,' Vince said comfortingly,' just give her a ring. ' Seeing Howard so nervous about Holly was unnerving to Vince - since she'd gotten here, Vince had been the protective elder brother, and Howard had been the friend telling him to calm down. Howard was good at calming Vince down. But Vince didn't know how to calm Howard down.

Howard bit down on his lip and pulled out his brick of a mobile phone.

His address book pretty much consisted of Vince, Holly, the flat and Lester's house. He dialled Holly's number and put the phone to his ear.

He deeply hoped that she'd answer and tell him she was ok.

When the ringing stopped, he spoke before she even had a chance to answer,' Holly, Darling? Where are you? You've been gone ages; are you alright? Are you coming back? '

The answer came from the last voice he had expected to hear,' Hello, fuzzy little man peach. '

Howard dropped the phone.


	5. For Good

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Author's Note: Sorry about the delay between chapters; have been camping for a few days. Got back yesterday and was determined to get back to work on this fic.**

The Mighty Boosh

Howard felt sick to the stomach. His insides squirmed and his head throbbed and his heart pumped so fast he was sure it would explode.

This was very very bad.

Vince sat up straight, alert and concerned - what had happened to make Howard react like that?

' Howard? ' Vince asked in panic,' what is it; what's wrong? What did she say? '

Howard slowly shook his head, looking at his friend with equal panic etched on his face,' She didn't answer. Gregg did. '

Vince frowned,' Gregg? '

' You know, Old Gregg, scaly man-fish. Took me to his cave and tried to make me marry him. That Gregg,' Howard supplied,' He's taken her. '

There was a pause, and then Vince's usually sunny demeanour was shattered,' That fishy bastard! What's he doing with my little sister? I want her back! How dare he? I'm going to kill him! God, she's never going anywhere on her own again. What does he want with her? What's he playing at? I'm going to kill him! '

Howard kicked the counter,' I _knew _I should have gone to the shop instead. If he's done anything to her ... '

' What do we do now? ' Vince asked, wide eyes staring at Howard.

Howard took a deep breath,' We go to his cave and we get her back. '

' I'll tell Naboo to get the submarine out of the attic '

*****

The first thing Holly thought about was the pain. She brought a hand up to her head, rubbing her temples, trying to get rid of the splitting ache.

' You're awake,' Gregg said.

Holly groaned, sitting up from where she was laying on a cold, hard, stone floor. She pressed a hand to her head, where she could feel a bruise forming on her forehead. She looked around - it was a dark, dank cave, with a pool of water at one end, a bar in the corner and watercolours all over the walls.

' Where am I? ' she asked, sounding like a lost child.

' Gregg's place,' Old Gregg informed her.

Holly scrambled to her feet and stared at Gregg,' I don't get it,' she said, wrapping her arms around herself, shielding against the cold.

' I'm Old Gregg,' Gregg grinned stupidly.

' Yeah, I know,' Holly said,' but I don't get it; why am I here? And did you - _did you knock me out?!_

' No need to shout,' Gregg said.

' What the hell is wrong with you?! '

Gregg came closer, and Holly backed away. There was no-where to run to - she was in an underwater cave. She couldn't go anywhere, and soon she'd retreated - limping - so far that her back hit the wall.

Gregg stopped several feet away.

' Don't you like my place? ' he asked.

Holly was terrified. She was scared, stuck with a madman, and she wanted to be home. She was cold, quite hungry and her head hurt. And most of all, she wanted her big brother and her boyfriend.

' Whats going on? ' she demanded,' you befriend me in the street and then you knock me out and take me to your lair! '

' You've stolen Howard from me,' Gregg said.

' I remember now,' Holly said with realisation,' you told me you were Howard's friend and then you told me Howard belonged to _you. '_

' Howard Moon is mine,' Gregg told her.

' Shut up! ' she snapped in a panic. Howard's was hers. How dare this fishy thing come and try to tell her anything different. He'd tricked her into thinking he was giving her some harmless help due to her hurt foot.

' He promised to marry me,' Gregg told her,' I showed him my downstairs mix-up. I got a mangina. '

Holly was having a hard time digesting this information. She bit her lip and shook her head,' You're lying! Howard would never go near a freak like you, much less agree to marry you! '

' You think I'm a freak? You see, I was going to offer you some Bailey's but if you're going to be trouble, I'll have to teach you a lesson. '

Gregg moved closer and stopped so there was barely any room between them. He grabbed her by the throat and held her head up, so she had to stand on her toes to avoid being strangled.

' Howard Moon is mine, and no little girl is going to steal him from me,' Old Gregg told her.

She closed her eyes in fear and wished as hard as possible that someone would save her,' Let me go,' she said.

' I don't think so,' he told her,' Howard knows you're here now, and he'll come to find you. Then he'll be mine. '

' What about me? Just let me go! You're mental! ' she shouted.

He tightened his grip on her,' Old Gregg gets what Old Gregg wants. And that's Howard. And I'm going to get rid of the competition for good. '


	6. Drive Faster! Faster!

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

The Mighty Boosh

' Can't you drive this thing any faster? ' demanded Vince, as Naboo sat at the head of the submarine, Bollo at his side,' we have to get there before anything happens to her! '

' Vince,' Naboo said calmly,' this is the 100th time you or Howard have told me to hurry up between you, and I can't make this thing go any faster than it already is. '

Vince nodded and sighed,' I know, I'm just ... oh, God. ' In frustration, he put his hands on his head, leaning against the side of the submarine. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he thought about his little sister.

His bright blue eyes glassed over and he fought hard not to cry. He wasn't used to Holly being in trouble, and he didn't know how to cope with it. Holly was - like himself - full of sunshine and eternally happy, so it was hard to picture a situation where she was in trouble and he had to go save her.

A stray tear slipped down his pale skin and he furiously wiped it away.

Howard was sitting on the floor of the submarine in silence. His knees were pulled up to his chest and his head rested on his knees. He too, didn't know how to cope. So he said and did nothing. But he knew he was going to do Gregg some serious harm.

*****

He tied her up. Sea-weed bound together her wrists and the old merman forced her to kneel on the cold hard floor. He waved a knife at her and told her to be quiet, to wait for Howard to come. To wait for Gregg to make Howard his own.

It seemed like a life time and all she wanted was to be in her boyfriend's, or her brother's, arms; safe.

Eventually, there was a loud clanging, and loud voices.

' Hey! ' came the unmistakeable voice of her elder brother,' I want my little sister back! '

' Yeah, you ball bag! ' came the usually more quiet Naboo.

Suddenly, they were there. The shaman, the ape, her brother and her boyfriend. All there to save her.

' Howard! Vince! ' she cried, biting her lip hard.

' Holly! ' Vince exclaimed, hurrying forward, not even thinking about the knife wielding madman.

Gregg turned on him, waving the knife around, and Howard grabbed his friend by the back of his shirt, pulling him away.

Vince wanted to cry again. Holly looked so vunerable kneeling on the floor, hands tied together; her hair was strewn across her face and her forehead sported a nasty bruise. All he wanted to do was grab her and hold her.

All Howard could think about was how much he wanted to hurt Gregg.

' Hello Howard,' Greg grinned, turning the knife back towards Holly, who shrunk away.

Howard nodded,' Alright, Gregg? '

Gregg grinned wider,' Old Gregg missed you, my fuzzy little man peach. Old Gregg missed his man peach. '

' He's not yours! ' shouted Holly.

Gregg glared at her with his eyes,' Shut it, fool! ' he snapped, before turning back to Howard,' what're you doing with this silly little girl? You need me, Howard. I know you want me. '

' It's over between us, Gregg,' Howard told her,' we had something once, but it's gone. I'm with Holly now. I love Holly. '

' You don't mean that,' Old Gregg said, moving closer to Howard and dropping his arm,' I can see it in your eyes. It's the same look I give a bottle of Bailey's at half price. '

Vince took the opportunity to move closer and try to get to his sister. He was hoping Howard would keep the weirdo distracted long enough for Vince to get to Holly.

No such luck however, as Old Gregg turned around at the last minute and chased Vince away. Vince tried to hide behind Bollo and Naboo, peering out from behind them both nervously.

' Just let her go,' Howard said,' please. '

Gregg just laughed,' I'll give you the little girl on one condition, Howard. '

Holly held her breath, hoping they'd all get out of this alright. Howard as tearing up inside - if anything appened to Holly, he'd be devasted. Though they'd not been together too long, they were very close and he loved her more than he ever would have thought possible.

Howard would have done anything to make sure she was safe. For Vince's sake as well as his own and Holly's. Vince was his best friend and Vince would be crushed if anything happened.

Bearing in mind that he'd do anything, Howard nodded,' Of course. '

' Marry me Howard Moon,' Gregg said.

Howard looked from Gregg to Holly and shook his head in horror,' But I'm with Holly - I love her! I can't marry _you! '_

Gregg grabbed Holly's arm and dragged her to her feet. He turned her around, her back to his chest and put an arm around her neck, holding the knife to her throat.

' Marry me, or I'll kill the girl right here and right now,' he said menacingly.

Vince, Naboo and Bollo looked on in horror. Howard said nothing, and Gregg raised his eyebrows.

Howard shook his head,' I ... I can't. '

' You think I won't do it? ' Gregg challenged, pressing the knife against the pale skin of the youg woman, so that small beads of blood appeared.

' Don't, Howard,' Holly told him,' I'd rather die than see you marry him.'

Gregg smirked and was about to plunge the knife deeper when Howard cracked.

' Alright! Alright! ' he called,' I'll marry you. '


	7. Motherlicka!

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

The Mighty Boosh

Everyone seemed to hold their breath and Holly winced at the thought of what her lover had just agreed to. Gregg's angry expression grew into one of pure joy.

' Really? So you love me, do ya? '

Howard sighed,' I said I'll marry you. If you let her go, I'll marry you. '

Gregg seemed to consider this for a moment and then narrowed his eyes,' You'd better be telling me the trust, man peach. Old Gregg doesn't like them people who lie. '

Howard nodded,' Of course it's the truth. I promise. ' Though the fingers of one hand were crossed firmly behind his back, and he was asking whatever God was listening to forgive him for his lies and to help them out.

Gregg tightened his arm around Holly's neck and held the knife right in front of her eyes for a few moments longer just to prove that he could. Then, in one glorious moment, he let go. Holly stared at him with wide eyes and he shoved her aside, turning to Howard with open arms.

Holly ran to her friends before Old Gregg had a chance to change his mind.

Vince caught his sister as she flew into his arms, and he closed them tightly around her, holding her as close as possible. He never wanted to let go of his little sister and tears began to form, matching the tears which Holly was already shedding. When she pulled away from the hug, Vince wrapped an arm around her waist and held her close still, but so they could both watch what was going on between Howard and Old Gregg.

Holly wanted to scream as the man merman bounded over to Howard and threw his arms around him, before kissing him sloppily.

Howard grimaced when Old Gregg pulled away, and Gregg took his hand. Howard threw an apologetic look at Holly and then gave Gregg his full attention.

' I got a ring for ya,' Gregg announced as Vince tightened his grip on Holly in support. Howard stood there in great discomfort as Gregg held out a golden band.

As he forced it onto Howard's finger and grinned, he suddenly looked at Vince, Holly, Naboo and Bollo.

' Are you lot going to before I change my mind? ' he demanded,' get out of here and leave me and Howard in our new love nest. '

Holly's tears had stopped now, but this made them want to fall again. Howard with _that thing? Her _Howard? Howard?

' Yeah, we were just going,' Naboo said, reaching out and touching Holly's arm lightly. Holly looked at him, her eyes wide as she tried to tell him that they couldn't go anywhere. He nodded in understanding and gave her a smile which told her he had something up his long blue sleeves.

' Well. Goodbye Howard,' Bollo grunted as they turned to the exit.

They were about to leave when Naboo turned back to Gregg,' Oh, by the way, I've got a gift for you. Call it a wedding present, of you like. Or an engagement present for the pair of you.'

Reaching up his sleeves, literally, he pulled out a small bottle of liquid.

Clearing his throat, he held it out to Gregg,' Limited edition Bailey's. Thought you might like it. '

Gregg accepted it and was about to take a drink when he stopped and looked at the shaman with great suspicion. He sniffed it and decided it was certainly not the smell of a good, creamy Bailey's. He threw the bottle aside in anger and glared at Naboo.

' You were trying to drug me, motherlicker! '

Naboo said nothing.

This made Old Gregg even madder. He gave a cry of frustration and stared wildly at the gang of friends,' You were trying to trick me! ' he roared.

' No,' Howard said,' it's not - '

' And you! ' he bellowed,' you have no intention of marrying me! I love you Howard - you must love me exactly as I love you. But you don't! You're a liar, and you only care about that skinny little tramp. '

Howard advanced on Gregg and drew back his fist, punching Gregg as hard as he possibly could. Gregg crumpled to the ground, where Howard kicked him repeatedly. Gregg caught his ankle, and pulled Howard down, the tables turned.

Until Vince dropped his arm from Holly and jumped on Gregg's back, pulling his hair, and fighting like a girl. Gregg couldn't quite throw Vince off and it was made all the more difficult by Bollo running at Gregg and hitting him several times.

Holly watched the fighting in a mixture of shock and worry. Usually when things went wrong, she grabbed hold of Vince or Howard, but only Naboo was around. She threw the small shaman a quick glance and he caught her eyes. Smiling slightly, knowing she wanted comfort and someone else's presence, he reached out with one arm and she clutched at the arm, watching the people who mattered most to her fighting this ugly green creature.

When Howard scrambled to his feet again, Bollo and Vince let go of Gregg, and Howard grabbed him by the throat and ran him acorss the cave until his back hit the wall harshly.

There was a tense pause, which Old Gregg broke.

' This is it then, Howard? ' he asked,' we're over? '

' Over? ' scoffed Howard,' there was never an us to begin with, was there? It was more of a kidnap. You're nothing to me. '

' Don't,' Gregg said,' I want you to love me. Me, not her. '

Howard tightened his grip,' I love Holly Noir. She's the most important person around and she's mine. I'm hers. Not yours. '

Gregg said nothing.

Howard suddenly banged Gregg's head against the wall,' If you ever come near us again, I'll kill you. You even think about her, and I'll tear you apart, you got that? '

Gregg frowned,' You're not going to kill me now? '

A pause. Howard bit his lip and looked down before looking back at Old Gregg,' No, I'm not. I won't kill you. But if you ever come near us again, I will. No second chances, no nothing. YOu come near us, and you're dead. '

Gregg nodded.

Howard let go of him and looked at Holly,' Let's go home, Sunshine. '

He'd almost got close enough to hold Holly's pale, slender hand in his own rough, much larger one, when Gregg had run at Howard and pushed him hard, almost knocking him to the ground.

' Ha!' he jeered,' you thought I was just going to let you go? '

Naboo sighed,' You just don't learn, do you? '

And then it was over in a flash, as Naboo stuffed his hands into the pockets of his robes and when he brought out his hands, they were full of dark brown dust, which he flicked into Old Gregg's face. The powerful dust caused him to be knocked out cold.

' Is he -? ' asked Holly fearfully.

Naboo looked thoughtful,' Nah, shouldn't be, but I never know how strong this stuff is supposed to be made. '

' Let's go home,' Howard said, after kissing Holly's forehead and putting an arm around her shoulders.

As the couple, the ape and the electro poof left, Naboo waited behind a moment.

He smirked down at Gregg's body, and added some partin words, ' Don't try and take me on 'cos I'm Naboo, that's who. '


	8. The End, but is it really The End?

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

The Mighty Boosh

They took Naboo's magic carpet home. Once they were at the surface of the water and at dry land, Naboo magicked the submarine, sinking it to a size which fit into his pocket.

He drove the carpet, Howard sitting beside him with a map. Bollo was at the back, Naboo refusing to follow his map directions after the mess he made of them getting there.

Holly was lying down, her head banging with the immense pain, and all she wanted to do was go to sleep. Her eyes dropped closed and Vince's arms protected her against the cold air. She was leaning back against him and his arms were wrapped tight around her, his head against hers and his nose buried in her hair.

Howard wanted to have Holly in his arms, but he knew how worried Vince was about her, and decided that since Vince had known Holly much longer it was only fair that he got to look after her.

Vince sighed and muttered,' I'm so sorry, Holly. '

Holly winced at his loud voice near her ear,' Don't be stupid,' she mumbled.

He bit his lip,' I'm supposed to take care of you, but I'm no good at being the elder sibling. I bet you'd take better care of me than I do of you. '

Holly turned around to look at her elder brother,' Vince, you take the _best _care of me. '

A pause followed,' I love you, Holly. '

' Love you too. '

*****

By the time they got back, it was 7pm.

' I'm sorry I messed up your date,' Holly said as she leant on Vince when they entered the apartment,' you were picking that girl up for the restaurant at 5, weren't you? '

' Anthrax, yeah,' Vince nodded,' but she's not as important as you. Wasn't that into her anyway. In fact, I'm thinking of trying to get in touch with Neon again. She was quite cool. '

They ate some food - which Naboo cooked, and were sitting in the living room talking afterwards.

Holly's eyes dropped closed early due to the busy, adventure filled day.

' M'off to bed,' she said, standing up and rubbing at her eyes with one hand.

Then, she hugged Vince tightly and kissed his cheek. She smiled at Bollo and said goodnight, and then turned to Naboo. To the shaman's utter suprise, she leaned over the sofa and hugged him too, kissing his cheek also. They'd not been especially close since she moved in, but the things he'd done for her today made her realise that he counted her amongst his friends and valued her.

' Thanks Naboo,' she grinned,' for everything. '

Naboo nodded and smiled in return.

Finally, she turned to Howard and held out a hand,' Are you coming? '

Howard barely thought about it, as he took her hand, pulling himself to his feet and following her down the corridor, then into a bedroom.

It took Vince a few moments to realise what had just happened; Holly and Howard had actually gone to the same bedroom. Together. When he _did _realise, he thought about it for a moment, and then just shrugged, before asking Bollo if he wanted a game of scrabble.

In the bedroom, Howard grinned at Holly. They got into the bed, Holly nestled against Howard, her head on his chest as his arms wrapped around her.

He planted a kiss into her dark hair.

' I can't believe how close I came to losing you,' he said, shaking his head.

Holly frowned for a moment,' I don't understand how you could ever have been involved with that guy ... thing ... in the first place. And .. _engaged _to him? '

Howard shook his head,' You don't want to know. It's a long story. But basically, he kidnapped me, took me to his cave and fell in love with me. Vince, Naboo and the monkey rescued me in the end, and I assumed that that was the end of it. I'm so sorry that he came for you though, I never would have thought ... '

Holly kissed Howard's chest,' Don't. It's not your fault. '

Howard felt at ease with her acceptance of it.

' Although,' she added,' you're going to have to tell me some of your other crazy adventures some time soon. I don't want anymore nasty suprises. '

Howard nodded and when she looked up at him a moment later, pressed a hand to her forehead, where a huge ugly bruise was forming.

' How does it feel? ' he asked.

She winced, but tried to hide it,' It's not so bad. '

He leaned down and captured her lips with his own, kissing her long and slow, until her cheeks began to burn. His tounge probed her mouth and she never wanted to pull away. When he broke the kiss, she was left feeling light headed.

' How does it feel _now? ' _he asked.

She smiled mischeviously,' Much better, gorgeous. '

He didn't have to say anything else, because she turned over and all thoughts of her aching head and the hard day were gone. She pulled herself up with her arms and swung her leg around so that she was straddling Howard's body.

He grinned up at her and kissed her, his hands wandering.

When she broke away to kiss his chest, he said.

' Hey, I've been thinking. '

' Yeah? ' she asked, looking up, captured by his eyes.

' Will you move in with me? '

She frowned for a moment, and stared,' I already live here, gorgeous. '

' No, sunshine,' he said with a grin,' why don't you move into my room. And move all your stuff here. So you and Vince don't share a room, but me and you _do. '_

_' Oh! ' _

She kissed him hungrily and passionately and he laughed when she pulled away for air.

' I'll take that as a yes? '

' Howard TJ Moon, I love you. '

' Holly Marie Noir, I love you more. '

And all was well.


	9. Yes, it really is The End now

**Author's Note**

Thanks to anyone who read or reviewed and everything. Thank-you for the constant support.

- **My next fic is called **_Holly Noir and the Mysterious Case of the Wardrobe_

**- Also, I've got an M-rated oneshot up about Holly and Howard.**

**- Both of these can be found on my profile, or in the Mighty Boosh section.**


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